I Crashed, But Didn't Burn



I fell down.


I almost couldn’t get back up.


This being in the arena is not for the faint of heart.


He called me in mid July. All of the prayers, all of the missing him and wishing things were different…seemed like they were coming true.


I went to bed that night knowing that he wasn’t okay. Dobby told me so. I am aware of how insane that sounds, but such is my year. I started a text to him. Like so many before it, for two months at that point, it remained unsent. He didn’t need me meddling in his life or “trying to worm my way back in.” He needed space to heal, to grieve, and to grow. If you love something, you let it go. I was doing my best to let him go…my best…I was imperfect at it, admittedly…there were a few emails sent from me. But dammit, for the 5 emails or so that I sent, there were about 20 that I didn’t.


“I didn’t know who else to call.” I heard his voice. It was shaky, but it was the man that I love. The man I fell so hard for, in the fantasy relationship that my deception blew to smithereens. I knew that fear in his voice. He was in trouble. I couldn’t hang up. He was begging for help without actually saying it.


The beast that is addiction was kicking his ass, and he believed he’d past the point of no return…the dreaded, and all too often, fatal overdose. I sat there on the phone with him, in the early hours of the morning. I had to. That is my value…to show up when called, no matter what. To show up for him wasn’t hard. If he were to call right this moment, in a similar manner (and much to my friends’ chagrin), I would answer. That’s how I’m wired. That’s how I was raised. Don’t ever turn away from someone in pain…especially someone you love. And I love him.

I talked him down. He had over-amped, not overdosed…thank God. We started a friendship for a couple weeks. Dinner, movies…singing in the car, he, the Justin Timberlake sound alike and me, the Macy Gray with a toothache sound alike. I missed it so much. I missed him so much. I wanted so badly to see him get sober. He wasn’t ready.


There was no dinner, no movie, and no full circle, beautiful moment, laughing over desserts, while looking at the mountains that was going to make him ready. If I think about that last scenario for too long, I will break down again. It was so beautiful. It was us…in a room full of people…just being together, soul to soul, in the way that he and I…at our best, could be. I hoped that it was a harbinger of good moments to come. Two days later, I walked in to find him high.

Again, he wasn’t ready.

I, unfortunately, wasn’t ready to be around someone who was using the drug that I both loved and hated in equal measure.


So I relapsed, and spiraled down again, losing my job, briefly losing my dog, and losing a good friend that had exited my life several times by that point.


The shame of that two months, based on the promises I made AJ, nearly cost me my life.


But I got up, got honest again, and 25 days later…I’m on a good path, albeit a shaky one.


Pray for me.


Pray for him.


He may very well be sober and living his best life.


Please lord let him be.


On we grow…

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